Tag Archives: Golf

Who’s up for a few Golf Jokes?

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A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

“I’m dying here and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.
“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

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A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, “You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?”

Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered.”

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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”

“Yes” says the woman.

“Did you hit him with that golf club?”

“Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

“How many times did you hit him?”

“I don’t know — five, six, maybe seven times…..just put me down for a five.”

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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, “Are you a good golfer?

The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?

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The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?”

He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

New Federal Golf Rules

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Finally, RULES we can believe in!!
New Federal Golf Regulations

Since these new golf rules will be in effect next year, please share with fellow golfers.

President BHO has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective in January 2012.

This is only a preview as the complete rule book (2000 pages) is being rewritten as we speak.

Here are a few of the changes. Golfers with handicaps:
– below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
– between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
– above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.

The term “gimmie” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows:
– handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
– handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
– handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring. In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round.

Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again.

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term “net score” will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.

This is intended to “re-distribute” the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only “net score” against every other player’s gross score.

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.

Golf must be about fairness, remember it is a gentlemen’s game. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and determination.

This is the “Right thing to do.”

A Lonesome Homeless Man

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“A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the man asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on greens’ fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing and golf.”

Coeur d’Alene – The Floating Green

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[YouTubeUlar] <— 827,433 As “tell me that joke you know” Dave says… Road trip anyone???

Props to the The Golf Channel for creating some simple informative golf stories. I would love to interview some cart chicks here in Northern Idaho.

Ballyneal 155 Holes – For a Cause

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[Just Read This]
[Denver Post Article]

Talk about a surprise story of the day revolving around a client of mine (Craig Hospital) an unfortunate skiing accident (At Monarch on March 17th, 2011) golfing an amazing course I’ve wanted to play (Ballyneal in Holyoke, CO) and playing 155 holes (walking) for a cause (Ben Cox’s personal patient assistance fund) and a completely random and honest stranger (Jim Colton)…

“If you’re a Golf World subscriber, check out the most recent version of Golf World Monday, the publication’s weekly digital version. #10 features a familiar face. If I had known my composite scorecard was going to be shared with the world, I might have tried a little harder on those four-footers. I also hit this drive on #12 way right into the native.”

Although I wish there was some actual video of this happening… the recap below is ok – but I still want to see more. Don’t hesitate to click through the links and get involved. There is a remarkable lineup of 74 raffle items for every $50 you donate… and if your a serious golfer you do not want to miss this list.

Total Raised to Date: $82,115
What: A 108-golf marathon to raise money for Ben Cox, a Ballyneal caddie who was paralyzed from a severe skiing accident in March.
When: June 22, 2011 (update)
Where: Ballyneal Golf & Hunt Club – Holyoke, CO

How to Give:
Send a check payable to: Prairie Home Baptist Church (memo: Ballyneal fundraiser)

Prairie Home Baptist Church
P.O. Box 271
Haxtun, CO 80731


[YouTube] <— 82 views

Rock Hard Rangé

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[YouTube] <— 395,449 If you can guess what this purpose of creating this video was for just by watching it... then you obviously must have been present at the Charles Schulz Celebrity Golf Event.

“Why not own a box Range’ for yourself? This product and accompanying television commercial were specifically designed to raise money for The Charles Schulz Celebrity Golf event, a 501 C3 charitable organization that has already donated over $2,000,000 to The Boys & Girls Clubs and other children’s charities throughout Sonoma County California.”

Talk about a creative way to finally see a non profit raise some money. 501 C3s — More humor please.

Golf – Years of Excellence

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[iDevice Link] <— 1,248 views On March 4th, 2011 - Armenian-American CBS Sports producer and director, Frank Chirkinian passes away at the age of 84 after suffering from lung cancer. Straight from the man himself...

“I was probably the most innovative and brilliant son of a bitch that ever worked in television. I’ve done so damn many things I can’t remember half of them.”

Straight from Golf Coupons…

“He wasn’t a PGA Pro, but he’s headed to the Golf Hall of Fame. Too bad Frank Chirkinian did not live long enough to attend his induction ceremony this May. He would have enjoyed it. Chirkinian, died on March 4 after a battle with cancer. He didn’t play as a pro, but he influenced how we watch the game. Frank Chirkinian, “The father of televised golf,” died at the age of 84. Many of the things we take for granted today in sports coverage, and golf in particular are because of Chirkinian.

Frank produced the first PGA Championship in 1958, at Llanerch Country Club near his home in Philadelphia, and two years later the first televised Winter Olympics from Squaw Valley. He also dreamed up the idea of putting cameras on blimps to cover sports events.

But it was his work in golf that stood out, and at Augusta National in particular. He produced 38 editions of the Masters for CBS, bringing the majestic fairways and greens of Augusta to fans who could only dream of seeing them in person.

Perhaps you assumed golf leaderboards always listed the golfers in relation to par. Nope. It was Frank who thought this was a good idea and introduced it to sports broadcasting in 1960. Before then, it was just aggregate score. Pretty cool that Frank’s idea will last as long as tournaments are played.”

[Sports Broadcasting Hall of Fame]
[Wikipedia]

Hit Golf Ball Farther

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Here I present to you the reader (presumably a golfer) five completely simple steps on how to learn how to hit a golf ball harder, farther and longer:

  1. Take a tour through Two Time RE/MAX World Long Drive Champion Jamie Sadlowski’s golf swing.
  2. Buy an Adams 9064LD Speedline and then…
  3. Learn how to hit a golf ball 400 yards… and finally,
  4. Give up bowling.
  5. Good luck.